| Location | Corby, Northamptonshire |
| Age | 0 |
| Cause of Death | Still Birth |
| Date of Birth | 05/06/2009 |
| Date of Death | 05/06/2009 |
| Visitors | 3,130 since 11/08/2009 |
| Creator |
Where to start?. At the beginning I suppose!. I remember when I found out that I was pregnant back in late September 2008, my 1st thought was "I really hope that I'm having a boy" - my husband John and I had already been blessed with 2 beautiful girls Charlotte and Emma, a little boy would make everything complete. I had my 20 week scan on 15th January 2009, I remember looking at John to double check that he was ok with me wanting to find out the sex of the baby!, not that I would have listened even if he wasn't ok!. When the sonographer said "it looks like you're having a boy" I was over the moon, I can still remember the smile that spread across Johns face - I will never forget it.
As things go my pregnancy wasn't too bad apart from having SPD (a pelvic condition) which I'd had in my previous pregnancies. I was told I could possibly be induced at 38 weeks because of this - my consultant then decided that there was no need to induce me because I'd had both my girls at full term and naturally, they weighed 8lb 7ozs and 8lb 10ozs so he didn't forsee any problems. Of course I sit now and wonder what would have happened if I had of been induced, would things be different?, maybe, maybe not - I will never know.
John and I had decided in the last few weeks of pregnancy that our son was going to be named Oliver - we used to say to our youngest Emma "what is your little brother called?" she would reply "Oliver Hanvey - Ollie for short!". the girls were so excited, always talking about what they were going to do to help once Oliver had arrived.
When I was 7 days overdue I went to the hospital for a stretch and sweep to try and get things moving, I had this on Thursday 4th June in the morning. I was convinced that nothing would happen!. At about 6pm that evening I started to get a bit uncomfortable, I still convinced myself that nothing would happen. I was quietly excited at the thought of Oliver being born on a Thursday if things carried on quickly as both the girls were born on Thursdays!. My Mum came to my house around 9pm to wait with John and I until I decided it was time to go to the hospital - I wanted to leave it as long as possible, Oliver had been moving about normally and his heartbeat was fine at the hospital earlier in the day so I had no cause for concern. My sister arrived at about 10pm to look after the girls, I phoned labour ward and they told me to come over, I was nervous but so ready to have Oliver after carrying him around for 41 weeks!.
When we got to labour ward they found Olivers heartbeat so as far as we were concerned everything was ok - I went into a labour room around midnight which is when my nightmare began. The midwife couldn't find a heartbeat so she decided to put a scalp clip on Olivers head, his heartbeat was found - or so we thought. I've since been told that scalp clips can sometimes pick up the mothers heartbeat.
I really wasn't in labour for very long, I pushed my beautiful baby boy out at 1.29am, he weighed 8lb 11ozs and was perfect, but there was silence - no screaming, no crying. The special care doctors were called, everything was blurry. I felt like I was standing at the door watching everything going on around me, wanting to scream, praying to God. The doctor tried to resusitate Oliver for 27 minutes, those minutes felt like an eternity - I can see the doctors face clearly in my mind as I'm writing this now "I'm sorry", my boy was gone.
I could write a book of my story because I remember every detail, every word - how could I forget?.
I wanted to share this so that if another woman reading this is about to go through the same I want to tell you to hold your baby, dress your baby, take as many pictures as you can because they are the only memories that you will have. People will sympathise with how you are feeling but they don't really know, even another woman that has been through the same wont know because she can't feel your pain. Try not to let your grief consume you, do you think your little angel would want that?.
It will take time, a long time so I'm told - I will never feel complete again but every day it does get a little bit easier, trust me. A part of my heart went with Oliver that day, just as a part of yours will go with your angel - for the rest of our lives we will be living with broken ones. When you leave the hospital, don't turn around, your heart will break all over again.
Don't let anyone say that your baby never lived, no matter how far pregnant you are or were, 24 weeks, 35 weeks or 41 weeks like me, your baby lived inside of you.
Nine months in our dreams, a moment in our arms, forever in our hearts.
Sleep tight my beautiful boy - we will be together again xxxx
We would like to thank every single member of our families and every one of our friends for all of the love and support through what has been and still is an awful time - myself, John, Charlotte and Emma really do appreciate everything. xx
We would like to say a very special thanks to all of Olivers Godparents, Sharon and Tony for all their help with taking photographs and for the special DVD that they have made for John and I. Also to Shestine for having the strength to stand up at Olivers funeral and read aswell as Tony for doing the same, Andrew for just being there whenever we need him. xx
Update on 09.09.09
Well baby boy, Daddy and I had your inquest 2 days ago - we now have a reason for you growing your angel wings. You had something called SUA (single unbilical artery) and also a thrombosis in your cord. There was absolutely nothing I could have done that could have changed anything as the thrombosis blocked the supply from your cord. It is some comfort to me to know that it wasn't my fault as I have blamed myself with thoughts of "if only I'd kicked up more of a fuss to be induced", "if only I'd have gone to the hospital earlier".
On the night we got the results I had my first full nights sleep in almost 14 weeks, I needed to know that it was ok not to blame myself. I sat and explained to Charlotte and Emma - Charlotte understood but Emma who has turned 4 since you left us really can't comprehend it all, she just doesn't understand why you can't be here. To be honest I'm not sure if I really do.
You are the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep at night and the first thing on it when I wake in the morning and I'm sure that will be the way it always is - I wouldn't want it any different.
I have changed as a person since you left us - I don't think any woman could go through something like this and not change, trivial things really don't matter anymore, how could they?!. The most important thing for me is your Daddy and your sisters and also keeping your memory alive for as long as I live.
Until we meet again beautiful boy xxxx
Nine months in our dreams, a moment in our arms, forever in our hearts xxxx
Hello little one
Well it's December - should be such a happy month with Christmas coming up but it's Mums birthday and anniversary next week. A whole year, I can't believe it.
So much is going on down here, I'm so so tired and sad with it all - but the show must go on as always!.
Since we have had your cousin Sean living with us - the girls have been saying that this is what the house would have been like if you were still here to play with Harry!, Harry loves having a boy about!. He would have loved you and looked up to you so much, I imagine in my mind that you would have been quiet like me, sensitive and a Mummys boy! - so unlike your little brother!.
He might be the smallest in the house but he is definitely the loudest!, he is a funny little thing with a huge infectious personality - you really cannot help but smile at him, even when he is doing something bad!.
I will be up to sort out your flowers at the weekend and to clean your stone up all ready for Christmas.
Give Granny lots of birthday hugs from us all next Thursday and tell her I love her so much. I love you with my aching heart Oliver, more than anyone knows.
Sleep tight my beautiful boy xxxxx
Hello gorgeous boy
I came to visit you earlier - it was so so cold!, I hope Granny Donna is looking after you which I'm sure she is.
Mummy is not good this week, well I haven't been good for a while - not that anyone really notices! Tell people your ok for long enough and I suppose they will start to believe it!. I have never felt this bad...............I really need to get a grip of myself, it's just so bloody hard. My biggest achievements some days is just getting myself out of bed!.
I just don't feel like the same person anymore, I feel distant and disconnected to everything and everyone - to be honest some days I would be quite happy to just sit on my own. I know it's not healthy but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I do know that I'm trying, probably not as much as I could be but I am trying to pick myself up........it's just a really slow process.
I love you more than you know and my heart aches for you and my Mum - look after each other.
Love always and forever......your very sad Mummy xxxxx
Morning my little pudding.
Just a quick message to let you know that I love you so much and miss you even more.
Mummy xxxxx
Hello my gorgeous boy
I am sorry I don't get up to see you as much as I used to, I just find it so hard now with Mum being there as well - it breaks my heart. Yours and Granny Donna's bench has been put up now so I will try to come up more often.
I miss my Mum so much - it's so hard looking at everyone else around me getting on with their lives which is obviously understandable, but my life will never be the same again with you and my beautiful Mumma in it.
I try to be strong for everyone but sometimes it would be nice for someone to sit me down and say 'how are you Amy?' instead of people always asking how Liese and John are doing or how Stewart is. I know people see me and think that I'm so strong and am coping great but if they really thought about it, how could someone who has lost their Son and Mum in less than 2 years actually be ok?!.
Your little brother is finally walking! better late than never, your sisters are great - they are sitting playing monopoly with Daddy at the moment.
We all miss you so much and we all wish that you were here with us. Our family will always have 1 missing - we are a family of 6 with only 5 here.
Love you always and forever - give my Mum a big squeeze from me xxxxx
Happy birthday to me! Mummy is 28 today, although I feel much older!. It's the first birthday I've ever had not seeing Mum - I've spent the other 27 with her. Had a very bad night last night, just couldn't get to sleep for thinking of you and Mum - I'm extremely tired today!.
I'm going for lunch soon with Daddy and a few friends, then when we pick your sisters up from school we will go and visit your cousin Freya as it's her 2nd birthday - it's also your cousin Rebecca's 3rd birthday aswell!. My niece and my God daughter both born on my birthdays since you've been gone!.
Love you gorgeous boy xxxxx
Hello my little pudding
I have been so busy recently - I still visit you at least every 2nd day, sometimes everyday but when I have Harry with me it's so hard to sort everything out properly, so I will be up to do that tomorrow as Daddy is on holiday from work this week.
I'm still struggling to accept that your Granny is never coming back to me and that she will always be with you - I am so comforted knowing that she is there to look after you but I just miss her so much. She was my best friend in the whole world and I'm lost without her, everyone is.
Your little brother is a cracker, so so funny - he has us all in stitches every single day with the things he does and the faces he pulls!, he would have loved you so much Oliver. I know you would have been a great big brother. Charlotte and Emma are doing well as always - it will soon be time for the summer holidays so that will please Harry to have them at home for a while!.
You are the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing on it before I sleep - you always will be my gorgeous boy.
Sleep tight my angel in the arms of Granny Donna
Love always Mummy
xxxxx
Happy 2nd birthday my beautiful boy
I've spent the weekend with lots of lovely family and friends - I couldn't have got through the last 2 years without their love and support.
Me, Daddy, Charlotte, Emma and Harry came to visit you today - we put your balloons up but by the time Aunty Liese and you cousin Sean got there your number 2 balloon and blew away. The wind was so strong up there today!.
Charlotte and Daddy said that you came down and took the balloon away to play - I'd like to think that's true!.
Grandad Stewart left a lovely vase of flowers on your grave today, you had lots of other visitors too.
I hope Granny Donna is spoiling you up there, especially today.
I love you so much my little pudding and my heart will never be complete until I have you in my arms again.
Nine months in my dreams, a moment in my arms - forever in my heart.
Love you always and forever
Mummy
xxxxx
When the tears fade away and there's no conversation, there's nothing left to say, that's not already spoken. Your staring into space at every inch of silence - been standing here for days and days and days.
Said it all, there's nothing to say at all - nothing to say that matters.
We played this at your funeral Oliver - I still struggle to listen to it almost 2 years later but it's just popped into my head!.
I'd like to think it's you saying hello xxxxx
It was 2 years ago that you were due to be born Oliver - if only you had arrived on your due date, how different things could have been!. I've had a horrendous week, I think it's because it's coming up to your birthday and of course because of how much I miss my lovely Mum.
It's so so hard sometimes, most days I'm ok - I have to be for your sisters and brother, but I've really struggled the past week. I will be fine though, I will get myself back on track again.
I bought you a few little things for your grave today - I will come up tomorrow and put them on and sort yours and Mums flowers out, fingers crossed for no rain!.
Sleep tight gorgeous boy
Love you always and forever
Mummy xxxxx
Hello my gorgeous boys
It's coming up to your 2nd birthday - 2 whole years without you, I know people say it all the time but it really only feels like yesterday that I was holding you in the hospital. I think about you all the time Oliver, everytime Harry looks at me I can picture what you would look like!.
Your little brother Harry was 1 the other day - he is a little bruiser!. He makes us all laugh, he adores Charlotte and Emma and is so lost without them when they are at school.
Charlotte is doing good, little braniac that she is! Emma has been put on the talented and gifted list at school because her reading is exceptional for a 5 year old!. Emma is doing alot better after we took her to the doctors, the doctor said she is suffering from depression bless her - she says she just misses Granny so much. We just went away for the weekend and she seems to be alot more like her old self.
I hope you are not giving my Mum too much of a hard time up there! - I miss her so much and sometimes when I think about you both I feel like my head is going to explode. It's just not fair, but then whose life is I suppose, I can't dwell on the awful hand I've been dealt. You and Mum wouldn't want me to ruin the rest of my life by being sad, I know that - but some days it's all I want to be.
You don't know how much I look forward to the day when I can see you again - you will always be in my head and my heart.
Give my Mum a big kiss from me.
Love you to the moon and back my little pudding
Mummy xxxxx
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